Juno

- I'm Pregnant.

- Oh, God

(...)

- Did you see that coming?

- Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.

- That was my first instinct too. Or a DUI... anything but this!

- All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'

- Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!

- When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All i see is pork swords.

- Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.

- No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.

- My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

-Your parents are probably wondering where you are.

-Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

- I still have your underwear.

- I still have your virginity.

- Would you shut up?

- I think I'm, like, in love with you.

- You mean as friends?

- No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...

- I try really hard, actually.

- Oh, no. We should just makeout instead. La la la

- As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.

- Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.

- It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

- Have you heard Juno's pregnant?

- Uuh... yeah.

- And have you heard it's yours?

- Yeah..

- You should grow a mustache?

- I can't.

- Yeah, me neither... But I'm gonna stop wearing underwear. Raise my sperm count.